With The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2 released in cinemas this week, the story of Katniss and Peeta and their beloved bloodthirsty buddies from across the Districts comes to an end. You have our permission to drop to your knees and curse the gamemakers in the sky.
But don’t worry, it doesn’t mean the fun has to stop there. Thanks to the world of fan fiction, there is a bottomless treasure trove of badly spelled imaginings starring all your favourite characters.
Ever wondered what Finnick was thinking throughout the saga? There’s a story for that. Ever imagined would it would be like if Harry Styles tried to compete in the Games? There’s a story for that. Ever wondered if Katniss ever had feelings for anyone other Peeta and Gale? There are literally thousands of stories for that.
So let’s delve into the most bizarre amateur writings on the web, those championing otherwise unexplored relationships in the Hunger Games universe – such as Hayffie and Plunnick – instead of the usual… er… Peeniss.
The Story: Taking place between Hunger Games and Catching Fire, poor Peeta is suffering from night terrors. Luckily, Gale is always available to stroke his hair and provide a "distraction".
On this occasion, that distraction involves allowing Peeta to lick Gale in unmentionable places. Frankly, Peeta can't seem to keep his tongue in his mouth in this entire story.
Creepiest Quote We Can Actually Print: "Peeta let out a small mewl before sliding his tongue out to lap at Gale's lips, asking for an entrance."
Read it if you dare: Nightmares
The Story: A completely naked Katniss is being measured for a new outfit by Cinna, who doesn't see that she is totally hot for him. But she is a virgin and doesn't know "how to get a man to understand what she wanted from him without using words".
Luckily, he gets the gist quite quickly and they immediately do it.
Creepiest Quote We Can Actually Print: The brilliant last couple of lines of pillow talk: "She lay on her bed panting before whispering 'You are an awesome sex partner, I wish we could have done it for more than just for today.'"
Read it if you dare: Pleasure Me Just This Once
The Story: President Snow delights in the very hands-on company he keeps with his group of young male servants, and decides to bring Cato into the fold, alongside his star helper Finnick. He does this by drugging the boy and getting him hooked up to a brainwashing machine.
While it is mostly a story about how Snow trains his harem to er… ‘respond’ immediately when Snow utters a particular phrase, much more time is spent on Snow choosing to bide his time enjoying Finnick’s company in the most explicit way possible.
Creepiest Quote We Can Actually Print: “’Now Finnick while we wait for that to finish up, why don’t we have some fun?’ Snow said seductively, ‘How about you show me your lovely trident again?’”
Read it if you dare: Snow’s Fun
The Story: In a film franchise crossover that would put the Avengers to shame, the Hunger Games’ Katniss and Twilight’s Bella both end up going to the same all-girl summer camp, along with other female characters from the various districts. Once there, the two girls take an instant dislike to each other and engage in a competition: a hundred dollars goes to the one that loses their virginity first during their stay.
And where are all the boys to choose from? Well the likes of Peeta, Gale and “lifeguard” Edward are all staying across the lake… at Camp Hard-On.
Creepiest Quote We Can Actually Print: LITERALLY NONE.
Read it if you dare: Little Darlings
The Story: It may seem like a strange title, but The Lemon Games takes into account that fan fiction writers use the code word ‘lemon’ in their summaries to mean sex. So, as the summary for this story succinctly puts it: “It is about a Games that centers on people fing instead of killing”.
The rules are laid out extremely vividly here, and they don’t all make a lot of sense, but the gist is that the girl and the boy that has the most sex stays in and goes on to win the Games, something that delights all the boys and fills all the girls with dread. Either way, what follow is basically just pure and utter, unfiltered filth.
Creepiest Quote We Can Actually Print: “I just can’t believe my luck. I have to go participate in The Lemon Games. Everyone in all the districts gets to see me fing some random boy from another district. Great. Just my luck. The Lemon Games are the worst thing in history.”
Read it if you dare: The Lemon Games
The Story: President Snow introduces the 69th Hunger Games but punishes everyone for making jokes about the number, so includes a new rule: along with having to kill each other until there’s just one person left, they all have to have sex at least once every day they are in the arena.
This sounds like a terrible prospect, but our lead character, Dante, is excited – he is a virgin and can’t wait to have sex with one of the girls that are competing with him. Perhaps predictably, given the dark tone that this story sets out with, Dante is then brutally attacked by one of the other male competitors.
Creepiest Quote We Can Actually Print: In hindsight, it’s this: “Good news: I am going to lose my virginity. Bad news: I’m going to lose my virginity while the entire world watches, including my family.”
Read it if you dare: The Sixty Ninth Hunger Games
- By Matt Looker